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1988-07-31
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717 lines
A WEE BIT O' BLARNEY
by
Frank Laney
"Personal log. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Commander
General T'Kay Tara T'rellall of the Romulan Space Force. I'm named -
aptly, too - for a legendary Vulcan trickster. My family has been a thorn
in the side of the Praetor, who sent me to the neutral zone. He would love
to see my atoms scattered across the universe."
The intercom beeped. "Commander to the bridge, we've received
communications from base."
"Personal log end." Leaving her cabin, she made her way to the bridge.
Upon her arrival on the bridge, her uncle S'Talon, the Senior
Centurian, handed her the message, scowling with repressed anger. She read
the communication:
Message begins--------
From: Praetor S'Ailon
To: Commander T'Kay, commanding the Imperial
Starship Shillelagh
Commander:
It has come to our attention that the
Federation has deployed one of its new
Dreadnoughts along the neutral zone. We command
you to engage the Star Empire to determine its
power, its weapons and strengths and weaknesses.
We honor you in this great endeavor. Your family
will gain great prestige and veneration.
Warmest regards,
S'Ailon
--------Message ends
She looked up from the printout to her uncle, and said, "Now I see
why you are angry."
He replied, "He wants to kill us. What are you going to do about it?"
With an absolutely fiendish smile, she said, "Dear uncle, take a
message."
Looking suspicious, S'Talon picked up a message pad, and prepared to
take the message.
"Message begins. To: Praetor S'Ailon From: Commander T'Kay commanding
Imperial Starship Shillelagh. My dear Praetor, I so regret to inform you,
as I am the name head of my clan, I do invoke the Great Covenant. I do now
say Tal Dae. And I do invoke it against the Federation. As this is a
Family Ship, I do so hate to tell you this, but you can no longer order the
Shillelagh to duty. Sincerely yours, T'Kay. P.S. Good try. Message ends."
Shaken, S'Talon said, "Are you sure you want to take this path? When
you invoke Tal Dae it is irrevokable. You will be as free and independant
as can be, but...you can no longer call for help, or obtain supplies from
the Imperium."
T'Kay, with a ferret grin, replied, "I thought well on this message.
I knew one day it would have to come. He can do nothing to this ship as it
is all family. He cannot put his spies on board. I have blocked him in
the Senate and this has made him very hateful. So now, he seeks to destroy
me. This is our only chance. I suspect we will receive a very hot
subspace communication from my 'beloved Praetor'.
"Tell First Officer Scanlon what is happening. Carry on, S'Talon."
* * * * *
In a deserted corridor, a hurried young officer approached T'Kay.
"Kay, have you gone mad?"
"Scan, you've talked to Uncle Tal," TKay said sweetly.
Her brother replied, "Yes. I cannot believe you've done this."
"Then you know I have no choice. It's this, or go up against a
Federation Dreadnought."
In distress, he asked, "But how are we to maintain the ship, obtain
supplies, everything? We need the Imperium's Supplies and Maintenance
facilities."
"But what if we pay for our supplies? I've declared Tal Dae against
the Federation. You know what that means, don't you?"
"It sounds as though you're going to commit suicide. There's no way
we could win a feud against the Federation."
With a typical grin on her face, T'Kay replied, "Who says we're going
to fight the Federation? What I intend to do is help myself, and generously
I might add, to anything that's not nailed down."
A slow smile crept across Scanlon's face. "Perhaps, perhaps."
The com-system broadcast its message. "Commander to the bridge,
receiving a subspace call. Commander to the bridge."
T'Kay hit the intercom button, "T'Kay; I'm on my way." She turned to
her brother, "My reply from the Praetor has arrived. Want to tag along?"
Arriving upon the bridge, S'Talon, with a hint of glee, informed her
that the Praetor wished to speak with her via the subspace link.
"Screen on."
The screen lit up, showing the hopeful face of the Praetor.
"Commander, you've shown great courage and honor invoking Tal Dae upon the
Federation."
A look of great pity crossed T'Kay's face. Levelly, she replied, "Of
course, my Praetor, I shall diligently strive to deprive the Federation of
its property."
First, a look of dismay, followed closely by one of great anger
crossed the face of the Praetor. Abruptly, the screen went blank.
T'Kay turned to her uncle and brother, saying with a heavy Irish
brogue, "Sure and begorrah, 'twas such a lovely shade of emerald green that
he turned."
The Senior Centurian, with a rueful grimace said, "You were badly
polluted by your godfather Patrick, weren't you?"
She replied with a wicked grin, "In more ways than you think."
* * * * *
Captain's Log: Stardate 4509.9 Patroling Neutral
Zone; all appears to be quiet, but coded subspace
tranmissions have increased over the past two
hours. Our long range sensors have detected a
Romulan ship along the border of the Zone. An
hour ago, its communications stopped and it
withdrew out of sensor range.
Fighting back an extremely bored yawn, Captain Kirk flipped the log
button off. "Mister Spock, is there anything new on the sensors?"
"No, Captain. This is a quite unremarkable section of space," Spock
replied.
* * * * *
"Are the phasers properly charged?", Commander T'Kay asked. "And are
the fire control computers programmed for the operation, Uncle?"
"Yes. But are you sure you really want to do this, 'Kay?"
"This is going to be so much fun. Besides, I have an excellent
tactical reason," she replied with an evil grin.
* * * * *
Spock suddenly looked up from his science station's sensors and
declared, "Captain! There is a Romulan War Eagle decloaking astern!"
"Shields on full, Mr. Sulu!" the Captain ordered.
"Too late, Captain. They're firing their phasers," Spock announced.
To the surprise of the whole bridge crew, all they felt was a very
faint vibration through the deck, instead of the expected blast.
"Damage report, Mr. Spock!" Kirk shouted.
"The sensors detect no apparent damage, Captain," the Vulcan answered.
"Fascinating," he mumbled to himself with raised eyebrow.
Captain Kirk asked, "Where's the Romulan, Spock?"
"Still to our stern, Captain. It appears to have broken off ...
HIGHLY FASCINATING!" Both eyebrows attempted to meet his hairline.
"What is so facinating, Mr. Spock?" Kirk asked exasperatedly.
"Perhaps this is, Captain," Sulu interrupted, putting a new view on
the main viewscreen.
There, in full view, where a Romulan bird of prey would be painted on
the hull, was an emerald green shamrock.
"WHAT THE BLUE BLAZES OF HELL IS THAT?" Kirk quietly screamed.
"It appears to be a shamrock, Captain," Spock pointed out needlessly.
* * * * *
T'Kay turned to her First Officer. "Are the decoys ready to be
launched?"
"The decoys are all programmed and ready to be launched, sister
darlin'," he replied with a grin.
"Then launch them, now," she ordered with a grin of her own.
* * * * *
"The Romulan vessel has recloaked, Captain," Spock reported.
"Bring us around 180 degrees and charge the phasers, Mr. Sulu," Kirk
ordered. "Mr. Spock, locate that ship for us."
"There appears to be five different locations, and headings, Captain.
One is heading for the neutral zone. Another is moving directly away from
us. One is bound for the Klingon border. Another is directly astern and
closing, and the last is headed into Federation territory."
"Damn."
"Captain, Mr. Scott wishes to speak with you." Uhura announced.
"Shall I put him on?"
"Yes." Kirk replied. Uhura pushed a button. "Scotty, what's the
damage?"
"That black-hearted brigand of a Romulan! That #$%#% of a #$%#%$'s
mother! She's phasered graffiti onto our hull!" Scotty was livid.
As Scotty paused for breath, Kirk asked, "What does it say, Scotty?"
"Aye, Captain, I'll tell ye, all right. That she-devil wrote `KIRK'S
A JERK, HAVE A NICE DAY, LOVE, T'KAY'."
Everybody suddenly developed an intense interest in their boards.
Kirk was slowly turning purple with fury.
* * * * *
Scanlon announced that their course was set for Earth. T'Kay,
lounging in her chair remarked casually to her brother, "Sure and begorrah,
Kirk's bound to have turned a lovely shade of purple by now."
* * * * *
"Commander T'Kay, we're approaching Sol's outer boundry navigation
markers."
"Very good, Subcenturion. Cloak the ship and go into a high earth
orbit." She turned to her uncle, S'Talon.
"Centurion S'Talon, you have the comm. I would like my First Officer,
Scanlon to accompany me. We'll be beaming down as soon as we're in
transporter range." They headed for the transporter room.
Arriving in the transporter room, T'Kay gave orders that would set
them down just outside the space port in San Francisco.
The transporter tech did an excellent job, and they found themselves
in an alley near a row of spacers' bars. T'Kay and Scanlon went to find the
seediest looking cantina they could see. Scanlon was exceedingly nervous.
He was certain that Federation Security was about to pounce on them
immediately.
T'Kay pulled him into the bar of her choice, a dive called,
disgustingly enough, 'The Black Hole Cantina'. "You're too tense, you need
a drink."
They found a table and a buxom waitress came over.
"What would you like, honey?" she asked Scanlon, totally ignoring
T'Kay.
T'Kay replied pointedly, in her Irish brogue, "A round of Irish
whiskey, if you please."
As the waitress left, T'Kay could see that her brother was still
being very jumpy. "Relax, and enjoy. Life is too dull if you can't make
it interesting."
Soon the waitress returned with the whiskey and left them to their own
devices.
"'Kay, have you lost your mind? We're in the middle of Federation
territory, right next door to Star Fleet Headquarters!"
She sipped her whiskey, and gave him a smile. "As you know, we have
to be here to carry out Tal Dae. This is the place where the Federation
has its main control center. I have a virus program to feed to the main
computer. This should make things very difficult for Star Fleet to control
its ships movements, or even to know where they are."
"In the Name of the Elements, 'Kay," asked her brother, his face
pale, "how are you going to break in to do that?"
T'Kay's face broke into her usual mischievious grin. "Brother
darlin', you haven't forgotten that it was our family scientists that
developed the cloaking device, have you?"
"Of course not, I know that."
"What you may not know is that they have improved upon it, so that a
person could carry a small cloaking device and hide their presence
completely."
"You're kidding!" Scanlon exclaimed.
"On this I am not. I am wearing what amounts to a 'cloaking suit'.
It will hide my presence completely."
"Wonderful. So why are we here? In this cantina, I mean."
T'Kay leaned conspiritorally toward her brother. "The easiest source
of intelligence is a gossipy merchant. They, by the nature of their jobs,
know where everything is. We just get a couple skunked."
So, all through the night, they partied. Even Scanlon got enough
Irish whiskey into him to be able to smile. When they left the cantina,
they had lots of friends, and the information they needed.
* * * * *
By midnight, they were outside the Federation council chambers.
Having removed her merchant's dress, T'Kay was now dressed in a dark grey
metallic suit that hugged her every curve, with a bag of tools on her hip.
"'Kay, what are we doing here?" asked Scanlon.
"I'm going to have some fun," replied T'Kay, with a little chuckle.
"Fun?" Scanlon was aghast. He feared he might faint.
With a tired smile, T'Kay said, "It will also supply tactical
confusion."
"Tactical confusion?" He was confused.
"You'll learn," she told him, patting him on the arm. Then, pulling a
hood over her head and pressing a button, she disappeared. All he could
hear were her soft footsteps, as she moved away.
She went quickly past automated sensors and soon found herself in the
Federation Council chamber. Her instruments indicated that there were no
sensors in this room, and she dropped the cloak to conserve its energy.
She went to work.
Her godfather, Patrick, had told her about an Earth word that she had
always found so interesting. Now was her chance to find out. Graffiti!
Over the Great Federation Seal, and on every available wall space, she
wrote words and slogans and symbols. But for the Speakers Podium, she
saved the best. Another uniquely Irish touch, learned from Patrick, a
limerick:
There once was a Captain named Kirk
Whose ship proclaimed him a jerk
He had a nice day
With Commander T'Kay
Who happened to have that kind of quirk.
T'Kay stepped back to admire her handiwork. With a lovely smile, she
faded from view.
She continued down the corridor toward the Star Fleet Command Computer
Center. She was entering a higher security area, with live guards. She
needed to be even more cautious now, as people could sometimes sense when
something - or someone - was creeping past them.
She found what she was looking for - the Command Program Console.
Carefully, she raised the front panel, and removed the crystal solid
resting in its socket. Quickly, she replaced it with a similar one from
her pouch. This was the virus, with a hellish twist. The Star Fleet
admirals were soon going to be heartily sick of listening to 'I'll Take You
Home Again Kathleen'. By the thousandth repetition, they would probably be
willing to detonate a photon torpedo in their computer center.
Besides, within a short period of time, Star Fleet should not be able
to have its ships at its command.
T'Kay made her way back quickly to Scanlon, who seemed to have gone
past nail biting and was working on his knuckles. She faded into
visibility - not by her own doing, but because she had run out of power to
maintain the cloak. She breathed a sigh of relief, as Scanlon brightened
at the sight of his sister, and began to breathe again. She smiled her
wickedest, as she thought of what repercussions would be felt due to her
night of fun.
They transported back on board, and soon they had set their course for
Rigel.
* * * * *
"Captain," said Uhura, "there is a priority call from the Admiral
commanding Star Fleet, personal and private."
Kirk raised his eyebrows, but simply replied, "All right, Uhura,
transfer it to my quarters." He quickly left the bridge.
* * * * *
Kirk left his quarters and headed for Sick Bay. As soon as he got
there, he sought out McCoy.
"Bones, I've got a headache, bigger than the fourth day of a three day
pass."
* * * * *
"Well, Centurian S'Talon, I'm sure I can find something for that
headache of yours," Dr. Tyjson replied.
* * * * *
"Nurse, get me three cc's of Sauridon," asked McCoy.
* * * * *
"Centurian, could you tell me why you have such a headache?"
* * * * *
"Her name is T'Kay," replied Kirk/S'Talon.
"That I can understand," answered Dr. McCoy/Tyjson.
* * * * *
"Whoever this T'Kay is, Bones, I'd like to vaporize that ship with the
shamrock, and that woman with it. Do you know what she has done?"
"No," replied McCoy.
"Well, I might as well tell you, since it will be all over the
Federation within a week, anyway." Kirk quickly told McCoy about T'Kay's
escapade in the Council Chambers and the Computer Center.
All McCoy could say was, "Oh, no..."
* * * * *
After S'Talon told Dr. Tyjson the same story, her reply was the same
"Oh, no..."
She asked, "What are we doing now?"
"We're going to Rigel."
"Any particular reason?"
"I haven't found out myself. I wanted to get rid of this headache
first."
* * * * *
On the bridge, T'Kay was in a happy mood. Her mood kept getting
happier as the reports started coming in.
They arrived in orbit around Rigel, finding only a Federation frigate,
whose engines a single phaser blast could disable. The planetary defenses
could be handled by their cloaking device. They established, under cloak,
a low planetary orbit.
T'Kay transported, under her personal cloak, down to the space port,
where her sources told her a small freighter had a special cargo that she
wanted. The freighter was heavily armored because this cargo was a large
amount of dilithium crystals.
Her plan was simple. She would sneak in, and sit on the canisters of
crystals, and have herself and the crystals beamed aboard her ship. The
problems came in when the facts were entered into the situation.
First, the ship was heavily guarded. Fine, enter at night under her
personal cloak.
Next, her ship would have to drop its shields to transport such a
large mass. All right, be ready to run at the exact moment that everything
was beamed aboard.
T'Kay entered the freighter under cover of darkness and her cloak,
overriding the ship's control panel. However, as she did so, she set off
security alarms. Heading quickly for the cargo hold she evaded the
security patrol who were searching the ship for the intruder the alarm told
them was there.
Entering the hold, the sensors in her suit located for her before she
actually saw them, the canisters of dilitium crystals. She climbed on top
of them, and dropped her cloak. She could hear footsteps in the corridor
just outside the hold.
"Transporter room, transport now!" she instructed urgently, into her
communication link.
As the transporter beam started to take hold of her and the canisters
the security patrol thundered in, only to see a female on top of their
cargo blow them a kiss as she and it disappeared.
As T'Kay rematerialized in the transporter room, she was laughing
hysterically, but stopped abruptly, as the ship rocked with a blast from
the planetary defense battery. But the ship had quickly been shielded and
was heading away from the planet at maximum warp speed.
When the crew learned of the nature and value of their heist, they
were in extremely high spirits - not only would it pay for their trip and
many more to come - it was the largest haul in the history of the Romulan
Space Force.
* * * * *
"Captain, a Federation-wide alert has just come through the sub-space
channels," reported Uhura. "A Romulan war vessel - with a shamrock
painted on its hull - has just robbed a ship in Rigel's spaceport of over
five hundred thousand credits worth of dilithium crystals."
Kirk grimaced internally, but replied, "Uhura, signal all department
heads, I want to meet with them immediately in the briefing room."
* * * * *
"Gentlemen," Captain Kirk said, opening the briefing, "Star Fleet has
ordered the Hood and the Merrimac to rendez-vous with us to help search
for the Romulan ship that has been causing all of the trouble." He turned
to Spock. "Do you have any other information for us?"
"Captain," Spock summarized, "Up until now, what this Romulan
Commander T'Kay has been doing, I believe the term is, practical jokes. But
now, since the disabling of Star Fleet's computer and this robbery at Rigel
spaceport, I have little data to go on as to her next move."
"I'd like to show her a thing or two about phasers," grumbled Scott,
"Aye, and what they could do to her ship."
Kirk, much as he agreed with Scott, chose to ingore him just now.
"Spock, have you any, any idea what her next target may be?"
"Captain, I believe that I have narrowed possible planets to ten. The
criteria I used were low level security with reasonably high value goods.
I hesitate to make a firm prediction as to which one."
"Spock, we need something to go on."
"Captain, this is only conjecture, yet I am still cautious to give it
as a possible for her next target."
"Spock, anything. A name, anything."
"Very well, Captain. I believe Janus VI might be a possibility."
Kirk thought it over a moment. "Is that where we encountered the
Horta?"
"Correct Captain. But it is also where precious metals and rare
earths are mined. Also," Spock pointed out, "the last readings on her
heading indicated she was heading for that sector of space."
"Are there any other possible targets?" Kirk wanted to know.
"Narvare III. There is a large amount of flame spice there. She
might be interested in that."
"No, Spock," Kirk said slowly, "I believe I agree with your first
suggestion. She is after high value items that will pay highly on her own
home worlds."
Kirk called to the bridge instructions setting them on course for
Janus VI.
* * * * *
Arriving at Janus VI, T'Kay took a small raiding party down into the
mining caverns, stunning anyone who got in their way. In this way, they
soon secured the most valuable of the mine's products. However, a message
was broadcast, a call for help, that was heard by a certain Federation
Starship.
* * * * *
Kirk, upon hearing the call from Janus VI, instructed Sulu to increase
speed to Warp 8. Scott, entering the bridge at that moment, nearly had
hysterics.
"Captain, are ye trying to ruin me engines now?"
"Mr. Scott," asked Kirk with a big grin, "would you like to meet a
Romulan war ship with a shamrock painted on its hull?"
"Aye, Captain," he replied enthusiastically, "do ye know where she
is?"
"Aye, Scotty, that I do."
"In that case, Captain, ye can do Warp 9 if ye need to."
* * * * *
As the last of the canisters of goods were being beamed aboard the
Shillalagh, an emergency call went out over all communicators.
"Emergency recall, emergency recall. All personnel prepare to beam up
immediately!"
T'Kay rushed to the bridge, only to see what she had hoped not to see
on her viewscreen. A Federation starship, bearing down on them, hard.
"S'Talon, get the planet between us and them, now!"
They made course corrections and manuevers, but not before the
starship started firing photon torpedoes at them. The backlash from a
couple of near misses caused a little damage, and tossed the crew around
some.
"Looks like they're trying to start a donnybrook, now," remarked
T'Kay in her heavy Irish brogue.
Just as soon as the planet masked them from the view of the
Enterprise, she cloaked the ship. Knowing that she needed to do more, she
gave orders to proceed at high warp speed away from the planet.
Scanlon opened his mouth to protest. Their fuel supply was
desperately short, and being consumed rapidly by the cloaking device. The
high warp speed would only make things worse. He considered their plight
and closed his mouth with no comment made. T'Kay nodded her approval at
him.
* * * * *
"I shouldna let ye run me engines at warp nine, Captain, they're
hurtin' bad."
"But, Scotty," Kirk started, "we do have a certain Romulan ship..."
"Captain," Uhura interrupted, "I'm picking up a distress call."
Kirk smiled wolfishly. "From a Romulan ship?"
"No, Captain," replied Uhura perplexedly, "it's Federation code."
"Where from?"
"Just ahead of us."
"Get what information you can, quickly."
"Yes sir," Uhura turned back to her board.
* * * * *
A flare lit up the viewsceen on the Shillelagh. "What was that?"
"Commander, we're picking up a distress signal from a Federation
ship," reported the communications officer. "It's apparantly a merchant
vessel.
T'Kay felt a glimmer of hope. She gave several odd-seeming orders.
* * * * *
"... crew and passengers number approximately five hundred," Spock
reported.
"Damn!" Kirk swore softly. Their sensors had picked up a number of
unpowered lifeboats. Several were heading into a high density asteroid
belt, and another five were heading toward the system's sun. There was no
way that they could rescue both groups of lifeboats. They headed for the
asteroid field.
Suddenly, the Romulan ship dropped its cloak, and veered toward the
lifeboats heading into the sun.
"Mr. Spock! Are they going to fire on those lifeboats? Don't they
have any honor?"
"Negative, Captain," replied Spock as he checked his scanners. "They
have dropped their forward shields, and are ... beaming the lifeboat
passengers on board their ship."
Before Kirk could reply to this, Uhura turned to him. "Captain,
Commander T'Kay wishes to speak with you."
"Put her on, main viewscreen."
As the view changed from the starfield to the cramped bridge of a
Romulan war vessel, Kirk braced himself for T'Kay's first words.
"Ah, Captain, darlin', we finally meet." T'Kay regarded him with
amusement. "You see, I've not been terribly good lately, and so now I felt
it was time to do a good deed. I have just rescued a large number of
people from certain death in that sun. They are now safely aboard my ship.
You do understand that as soon as we reach the Neutral Zone, they will be
dropped off at the border station."
Kirk could see that he wasn't going to be able to do as he wanted,
that he'd lost this battle. He cringed inwardly at her next words.
"We'll be seeing you, Captain darlin'. Have a nice day." She blew a
kiss at him, just as the connection was cut from the other end.
By the time that the Hood and Merrimac had arrived to transport the
rescued passengers, T'Kay and the Shillelagh were long gone, and Kirk vowed
that one day he would do something about her.
* * * * *
It was a jubilant crew indeed that crossed into Romulan space after
dropping the Federation citizens at an outpost station.
Even S'Talon, who seemed perpetually sour, was grinning like a shark
that had swallowed a whale. He had estimated the value of their haul at
over two billion golden standards - enough to overhaul the ship, add
Klingon gunnery circuits, and still have a great deal of money left. Enough
to scare even a Praetor.
T'Kay was looking forward to the welcome that she knew would be
awaiting her. She was not disappointed.
In front of the Imperial Senate of the Romulan Worlds, she received a
hero's welcome, by the very Praetor who had attempted to send her to her
death. She chuckled to herself as he smiled - a smile that made one think
that he had just been chewing on a dozen limes.
And she had only begun to have fun.
* * * * * * *